


Ashes

by Shaddyr



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-11
Updated: 2007-11-11
Packaged: 2017-10-08 09:57:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaddyr/pseuds/Shaddyr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People make hard choices for what seem like good reasons, and still lose everything in the end...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> I always say I *don't* write angst. I just don't. It makes me sad and I usually want to eat a pound of cotton candy fluff fic after reading it. And yet, these lyrics spoke of angst and pain and suffering, and the muse, she wasn't listening to *me*, she was listening to the music - and this is what she whispered in my ear.
> 
> So. There it is.

It was overwhelming in a way that McKay hadn't expected.

_The feel of strong, calloused fingers sliding up his back, pulling him closer. The taste of laughter and happiness on John's lips, stealing his breath away as they moved together, chest to chest, hip to hip, so good, so perfect..._

Sure, he'd realized when it ended that working with John afterward would be awkward. After all, how do you walk into a staff meeting and sit next to the best friend you have spent the last 6 months (making love with) frantically screwing at every opportunity and act as though nothing has changed? What was the appropriate social etiquette when dealing with a (lover) fuck buddy when circumstances have created a situation that makes it untenable to continue?

 

_"It's too dangerous, Rodney." Sheppard's quiet voice delivered the death blow to what had been growing between them with deceptive gentleness._

_McKay nodded mutely, amazed at his own calm demeanour._

_John looked at the floor, at the wall - anywhere but at _him_. "Caldwell's been around so much lately, ever since the Daedalus started making regular runs. We've got so many new staff - and these new marines?" His voice was tight, angry. "They didn't live it, the not knowing if we could ever go back, the wondering if all we would ever have left of Earth was each other. They aren't as understanding about things that happen in a closed community that's been cut off from home. If we slip up, if someone sees something..."_

_"What about Don't Ask Don't Tell?" McKay was surprised his voice sounded so normal, as if he were asking about hockey scores or the price of beer._

_John shook his head and let out a bitter laugh. "It's great in theory. And in the microcosm of an isolated Atlantis, it worked. Now that we are back in touch with the SGC and have personnel rotating in and out on tours of duty, people take notice. They gossip. They _ask_. All it would take is one report of inappropriate behaviour for them to haul me back to Earth for an inquiry."_

_"Typical. Stupidity and paranoia from the American Military machine. Because somehow the actions of two people of the same sex behind closed doors will cause the universe to implode." McKay sighed, shook his head. "Well, as much as I enjoy what we're been doing, I don't want to put you at risk of losing Atlantis for it. We need you here." (I need you here)_

_John finally looked up at him. McKay forced a smile he didn't feel. "Hey, still buddies right?" he asked weakly._

_John smiled back, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Absolutely."_

 

They'd agreed not to let it change anything (but it did, of course it did). Just because they'd (loved each other) been getting each other off and couldn't anymore - well, that didn't mean they couldn't still be buddies. There would still be team movie nights, they would still eat lunch and play chess. It might be awkward to start, but they both agreed that with some time, they could adjust.

Awkward didn't even begin to cover it. McKay realized in the first 7 excruciating seconds of the first abysmally painful staff meeting after their split, that he couldn't think of a word to adequately describe how horrendously, awfully, incredibly *bad* it was.

 

_"Dr. McKay, are you quite alright?"_

_McKay jerked in his seat. "What?"_

_He turned his gaze to Elizabeth. The annoyed look on her face morphed into one of concern. He realized with chagrin that he had been completely oblivious to what had gone on around him almost since he'd entered the room._

_"Sorry, sorry, just tired..." He waved off her worry with mumbled excuses about overwork, lack of sleep and not enough coffee before stumbling through his report. As soon as the he fielded the last question about the power distribution grid, he fled the room as if the hounds of hell were after him._

_"McKay, wait..."_

_He pretended not to hear Sheppard call him, literally diving into the transporter to get away. John, however, had the benefit of regularly running with a caveman, and got his hand in before the doors closed._

_"Rodney."_

_He looked at the wall. "Something I can help you with Colonel?"_

_Sheppard winced but McKay refused to let it bother him. (Oh, God John, I'm sorry, I can't do this, it hurts too much please go away, please...)_

_"Rodney. Come on. We were friends, and I don't want to lose that. Have lunch with me. Please?" _

 

They tried to have lunch. Just the two of them. In less than 10 minutes, McKay was *praying* that the gods of physics would take a day off and let Maxwell's demon come out to play, because if a crisis hadn't given him an excuse to get away, he was quite certain he would have resorted to killing himself and Sheppard just to put the both of them out of their misery. Fortunately, Radek chose that moment to approach him with a query about an anomaly in the city's recycling system. He was out of his seat and dragging Zelenka back to the lab to look into the matter before the startled scientist had even finished explaining.

Somehow, life went on. Life was strange that way, how it could continue, seconds spilling over into minutes that flooded into hours, cascading into days; this great big huge wash of time and life and energy, and how was it possible for life to keep happening when he wasn't even sure if he was alive on the inside anymore?

There were missions. There were crises. There were Wraith. Time and life marched on.

As time passed, there were moments, hours, even days when it seemed like he was getting his life back - and then, sometimes when he looked at John, it felt like cold-hot shards of glass were twisting in his gut, ripping him to nothingness, leaving a bloody twisted wreck. Sometimes he forgot to breathe, the pain leaving him gasping, chest heaving, vision going black around the edges. And John kept *trying*.

 

_"Hey Rodney."_

_McKay nodded, not trusting himself to speak._

_"We haven't played chess in a while. I was wondering if you wanted to get together after dinner tonight..." Sheppard trailed off, leaving the peace offering lying between them._

_He was wearing the tentative smile, the lazy smile that held so much promise. Rodney sipped his coffee, but all he tasted was ashes. (Not yet John, I'm still too raw)_

_"I... thank you for the invitation, Colonel, but I have some work I really must attend to this evening."_

_Sheppard's face was a study of casual nonchalance, but the pain was clear in his eyes._

_"Okay then, Buddy. Some other time."_

 

Despite the pain involved, he could never quite manage to free himself from John's orbit. Even in the bleakest times, the force of nature that was John Sheppard kept pulling him in. Moth and flame, sun behind the clouds, whatever you wanted to call it - that old adage (that he had always hated, still hated) that it was better to have loved and lost took on a personal meaning.

Things settled back into place, a routine of sorts, as much as anything in Pegasus could be considered routine. They went on a mission to barter for much need supplies, and John almost got married to the chieftain's daughter (again! Kirk!) and another mission to a planet where there was supposed to be a ZPM (so SICK of running for their lives!). Several subsequent missions went pear-shaped, ending with John injured after each of them - first strolling through the gate with a bullet in his arm, then coming home with a broken wrist - but the final time, being carried back to Atlantis between him and Ronon (Not the way it should be, John's not the one who's supposed to get carried back by him). It took Carson almost five hours of surgery to repair the damage, and for a while it had been touch and go. (Oh god, John, don't you dare die, God DAMN you, don't you leave me!) When Carson finally announced that Sheppard was out of danger, Rodney collapsed against the wall and slid down the floor, relief so strong it made his knees weak. He couldn't live with things the way they were anymore.

 

_He studied the figure in the infirmary bed for a moment. Sheppard looked like shit - haggard, pale, like the fourth day of a three day binge. He was lucky to be alive._

_"Hey, Sheppard." (I miss you)_

_John's head whipped around and Rodney could see the startled look in his eyes._

_"Yeah Rodney?"_

_"You look like crap." (I wish I was strong enough to kick your ass after that stupid stunt you pulled - you scared me to death)_

_"Well, thanks Rodney."_

_"We haven't played chess in a while." (I was so worried, you could have died, and this would have still been hanging between us, unresolved)_

_The smile he got was blinding; it could have easily lit up the room at midnight._

_"No, we haven't."_

_"Well, I think it's about time that I reacquainted you with the concept of failure then. You're getting a little too cocky about all these scrapes you manage to weasel out of, by sheer luck I might add." (I will take whatever crumbs you are willing to give me)_

_"Well, you can try. Bring it on, McKay."_

_And suddenly something shifted back into place, easing the ever present ache into a low grade throb._

 

Finally, after a long time (not long enough, never long enough) Rodney woke up one morning and brushed his teeth. He got dressed, checked his email, radioed Zelenka and went for coffee. He walked in to the cafeteria and spotted his team (John) across the room. And realized, with a shock that staggered him, he hadn't thought about Sheppard until he actually saw him.

Several weeks later, everything went to shit, and Rodney cursed the Ancients all over again for the stupidity they displayed in creating something as asinine as exploding tumours, and railed against the universe for taking one of his best friends.

Through it, though, he discovered that his mixed up feelings about Katie Brown, rebound girl who gave him something else to think about (not really, but he was trying to believe that) during that initial heartbreaking time when he and Sheppard went back to being just buddies (they would never be just buddies, but he'd take the friendship even if he could never have more) were actually deeper than he'd realized. She was genuinely nice. And competent. And she was really very smart - he'd looked at her file and it was really quite impressive for botany.

Even better, despite the whole Cadman debacle, she actually seemed to like him. He didn't feel like he had to compete with her, they were in totally unrelated fields of expertise, but she still appreciated his work and his dedication to it - and he appreciated hers. She was sweet, and pretty, and she had certainly heard about what a monster/tyrant/slave driver he was as a boss - despite the gossip about him, she still liked him.

 

He'd taken her down to the south pier, and stealing a page from another man's playbook, laid out a simple picnic for them both. Katie had been pleased. They had talked and laughed, sometimes awkward, sometimes blushing, kind of like two teenagers unsure what the next move was.

It had been like all the best parts of being 17 again for only a few hours.

They'd walked back slowly, quietly, enjoying each other's presence.

"I had a nice time tonight, Rodney."

Katie held his hand (her hands were so tiny, so unlike other hands he'd held) and smiled up at him.

"I'm glad." He really was. He smiled back at her, feeling a little silly and a little drunk. The wine was getting to him.

She stepped in closer, and his arms slipped around her waist (so tiny) as he inhaled her scent, fresh and soft and green. (the musky low note was missing) Her eyes were luminescent in the muted light of the Atlantis evening, her lips soft and moist, mesmerizing. He lowered his mouth to hers for a chaste kiss and felt her lips part before him, an invitation for more than he'd expected. She threaded her fingers up into his hair, pulling him in close, and he was surprised by the passion he felt it stir in him. He deepened the kiss, taking in the sweetness of her response like strawberries on his tongue, enjoying the heat of her body as she melded against him, the soft, breathy gasp she made when he gently pulled her head to one side and trailed kisses down her neck (no hint of stubble, skin so soft, so smooth, creamy perfection).

He heard something and glanced up to see Sheppard in his jogging clothes, frozen in the doorway to the pier. The look of utter devastation on his face shattered McKay's carefully mended heart, and suddenly he couldn't breathe. (I never wanted to see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me)

Sheppard vanished down the hall, and Katie's hand pulled his head back to her neck, whispering murmurs of encouragement as she wrapped herself around him. He returned to suckling on the sweet skin before him, but all he could taste was ashes.

**Author's Note:**

> **Lyrics:**  
> _Even when the dark clouds gather, you will be the light_  
> Never Be the Sun - Dolores Keane  
> _I'd never want to see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me_  
> Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
> 
> Note: The lovely and talented was chatting with me shortly after I wrote this, telling me it was so sad and could I *please* save the boys from this terrible pain, and somehow, I talked her into 'fixing' it. Cuz I'm lazy that way...
> 
> So, if you want a fix, check out [Rising Again](http://the-cephalopod.livejournal.com/7452.html) when you are done here. Cephy soothes the angsty soul!


End file.
